Notes on Fear
“You’re afraid because you care” is something that I really needed to hear.
This was said to me by my mentor Rain Chudori during one of our call sessions that we do to discuss writing and beyond. We’ve been doing these coaching sessions for quite some time now, I feel better and comforted when I’m talking to Rain. But afterwards I’ll stare at a blank page with a fear so all-consuming that I end up running away, then I resent myself for it, and the cycle goes on.
It’s ironic for me, as a spiritual person who keeps telling herself to lead with faith, to be scared of everything including but not limited to a blank page which I can’t seem to fill with a single word. As I’m typing this now, I’m scared of where it’ll go, what could happen, and who I’d be at the end. It seems so simple of an act, just sit down and write, but here I am all in my head trying to do so much all at once. Just take it by one word, one sentence, a paragraph, and another, and full-stop. I can handle now and I’ll handle what’s later (i.e. revisions) when it’s, well, later.
I come back to fear quite a lot these days, though the beauty of it wasn’t something I could see before Rain said it in words. I’m scared because I care, and I care a lot. And perhaps too much. I find myself becoming protective over my characters, my readers, even myself, but that’s not how a meaningful reading experience and writing journey is born. Trying to control everything might be the death of a creative process because there’s no room for growth when you’re too protective. Just like my overbearing Asian mum, I had to learn to let go and trust that everything will be okay.
I still care. I’ll always care, and it’s because I care that I continue to type words onto this empty canvas, hoping it’ll find you well, dear reader. Whoever you are, I thank you for being here. And if you’re scared too, then you must care so much. It’s beautiful to care in spite of fearing the unknown. It might even be revolutionary.
Whichever season of life you’re in right now, I hope you feel braver, even if it’s just slightly, than you did yesterday.
