are you happy?
When visiting my old high school, I met up with my English teacher and he asked me if I was happy. The question made me flinch.
“Are you happy?”
I told him that I was trying to be, implied that although there were days when I couldn’t feel happy, it didn’t mean that I wasn’t happy altogether. In hindsight I realise that I could’ve just said that yes, I was happy, and we would move on from the discussion, but that statement felt like a little lie or half-truth to me. The older I get the more obligated I feel to be honest with people — even if it’s in the smallest of ways, even if it’s blunt, or even if it’s sort of difficult to fully explain. In this case, it was hard to explain in the moment and even now as I reflect on it, but just know that I’m fine. I’m handling it, and though it might not be my best, I’m still trying.
Those three words also made me think back on my journey in life thus far. There was a lot of things I had read and heard about what life would be like upon turning 20something. But now that I’m living in it, I find that this journey so far is a giant pile of all the trials and errors I made in a attempt to figure everything out. In other words it’s a series of failures and heartbreaks which, as expected, doesn’t make me feel good. And yet, there’s still so much to be thankful for. Inside each setback was a valuable lesson that I took with me into the next step, and for that I’m grateful. In a twisted way, I’m happy that it didn’t work out. Because that rejection was a redirection, and that “no” wasn’t “never” it was actually “not yet”.
My teacher’s question reminds me of a quote from Ocean Vuong’s book, ‘On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous’; “I’m sorry I keep saying How are you? when I really mean Are you happy?” I think he might’ve meant to ask me how I am but instead asked if I was happy, and I was moved that someone would care that much to ask me about my happiness. We probably get asked how we are all the time by a lot of people, but how many times are we asked “Are you happy?” in a thoughtful way? It was 8 years ago that I graduated from my sixth form, and I feel blessed that people like my English teacher remember me in addition to caring about me in that way. And for that, I’m happy.
So, are you happy? I hope you are, dear reader.
