26: falling in love with my life (again)

image from Caterina Berger on Unsplash

I turn 26-years-old today. It’s a Monday, I’m surrounded by my family which has recently expanded to include my older sister’s husband — it’s also her birthday, we were born exactly two years apart — and I feel both fear and excitement about turning a year older. Having a birthday towards the end of the month for me means having the luxury of time to ruminate about what turning a year older means as soon as my birth month begins. It just so happens that I was born in January, the first month of the Gregorian calendar, otherwise known as the time of the year when people set goals and intentions for the new year ahead.

I’m guilty of being one of those goal-and-intention-setting people who have some sort of tool to track their progress (I have everything tracked on my Notion planner that I can’t function without). I’m usually laser-focused around this time on perfecting the good habits I want to incorporate in my life and eliminating the bad habits that I could do without. I get a high from feeling like I seemingly have my life together, even if it’s just for a couple weeks, but this time I felt somewhat low.

It didn’t feel right to keep going as I had done before. Though it has worked to a certain degree in the past, I feel desperate for a change. Something in me wants to loosen my grip on routine, to not rely so much on it or anything for that matter, because every day brings a new flavour that I should welcome instead of trying (and inevitably failing) to control what I can’t.

I may not be able to go back in time and make amends, but I might be able to take back my thirst for life that I don’t think I’ve felt in such a long time. This year, I want to fall in love with my life again. I’m not sure that I can remember what it felt like to be so enamoured by my mere existence, but I’d like to think it was possible and still is. I want to embrace growing older instead of fearing it. I want to crave those precious moments in my life, even the ones that seem mundane, because it’s my life. It’s easy to notice the downsides of aging, but the beauty of it is worth living for. The newfound perspectives I’ve gained, the chance to reclaim my life, the boundaries I’ve gotten to carve out for a healthier life — these are all things I wouldn’t have gotten to do had I not gained the levels of wisdom that came with aging. Aging is great, and I want to be in love with my life again, and again, and again.

I’m the type of person who creates lists on their birthday, and although I’m in a season of loosening of my grip on routine, some rituals like this one are worth continuing. So here’s a list of 26 things, a fluid list of epiphanies of why aging is great and what I want more of in life.

1. Aging is great because I feel freer now than ever before; it’s not just the fact that I’ve been granted more freedoms in life such as mobility, but I’ve also learnt to gracefully let go of old baggage and feel lighter
2. I want eat more bowls of warm soup
3. Aging is great because I can accept that not everyone who comes in my life is going to stay; some of them are just short-lived experiences and/or lessons and that’s fine because there are others who do stay
4. I want to have more fun, whether I’m picking up a creative hobby on my own or inviting friends over for brunch to eat and talk for hours, life should be fun
5. Aging is great because I can say “no” as many times as it takes for me to establish healthy boundaries
6. I want to embrace tawakkul and stay spiritually nourished
7. Aging is great because I’m more in tune with my authentic self, and that authentic self can come in different shades
8. I want to travel more and experience what life can be like in different places
9. Aging is great because its signs — those lines and marks all over my body and face — are things that I’ve earned; they’re reminders of how far I’ve come and how much further I can go
10. I want more slower mornings, more easing into the day instead of rushing to check things on my to-do list
11. Aging is great because I can curate a life that doesn’t have to be in service of anyone’s approval but my own
12. I want to embrace an abundance mindset
13. Aging is great because I’m no longer embarrassed of being vulnerable around people who I admire
14. I want to stretch more, in the day and night
15. Aging is great because I have a better understanding of how my body works; it’s not just something I have to live with but something I can make a home of too
16. I want to eat more excellently crafted pastries
17. Aging to great because I have a better understanding of who my parents are outside of being my parental figure, which means we communicate better
18. I want to go to the beach as many times as I can to be close to the ocean and feel the sun’s warmth on my skin
19. Aging is great because the moments I spend with my friends become very special; we don’t seeing each other as often as we used to, but when we do it’s magical
20. I want to enjoy more movies at the cinema alone
21. Aging is great because I can admit when I’m wrong, apologise when necessary, and work on doing better next time
22. I want to be a regular at a café that I’ve grown fond of to the extent that the staff has my order memorised
23. Aging is great because it reminds me that life is a series of beginnings
24. I want to let go of what no longer serves me and feel lighter
25. Aging is great because the older I get the more forgiving I become of myself; I used to punish myself for the slightest errors and now I congratulate myself at the end of every day
26. I want to rest my head on my jiddah’s lap as she brushes my hair with her fingers for as many times as I can

Happy birthday to me and my fellow Aquarius buddies! Here’s a beautiful poem that continues to resonate with me and fills me with hope: https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/05/04/someday-ill-love-ocean-vuong